Death?

I don’t think it is ever an inadequate time to be reminded of how precious our lives are. Our life on earth is certainly something we take for granted, but honestly, what else do we know? In our existence, we have only ever known our earthly lives. When those among us die, their lack of presence confounds us. We can’t comprehend where they are or the reasoning for where they’re not. Why would someone no longer be with us? HOW does one die? WHEN does one die? WHY does one die?

..the last photo taken of me before the crash..

There can be predictors for death by way of various causes, but we can never truly know how and when we are going to die. And, typically, we seem to deny that we ever will. We only do expect a premature death from those suffering from a terminal illness or those partaking in pretty intense risky activities. But for those of us living pretty average lives, death is not a concern. As much as we want to deny its possibility, it still remains. And this applies to me just as much as the next person. Death is not something I typically think about and ponder of its occurrence in my own life.

You would think that someone who came so close to dying would be more aware of the possibility, but I’m still quite oblivious. Granted, there have been times when an intense fear has taken control of me, resulting in some intensely emotional death-fearing moments. PTSD will do that, I guess. Aside from triggered scares, I really don’t think about dying as being a real possibility; however, I do sometimes ponder on the fact that there is a possibility I would have died over five years ago. Sometimes I look at pre-crash pictures and imagine those being my last pictures. My friends and family made a few poster boards with pictures while I was in the hospital. What if those had been displayed at my funeral instead of my high school graduation? And when I was out of the hospital, a garbage bag of the clothes cut off of me that night was sent to me; that was awkward. What if the contents of that bag were all that made it out of that crash?

..yes, I was wearing a lot of layers that night..
..and none of them matched..

As much as I might desire to hash out some thoughts, the whole concept of the possibility of my death is not something that I bring up in conversation. On one hand, it just isn’t real to those who didn’t know me at the time of the crash; they only see how I am doing now and the other outcome seems absurd. On the other hand, with those who did know me, it just seems to be a touchy subject. They are quite aware that I almost died and have the memories of constant prayer and countless hours in the ICU waiting room to remind them. The reality of my possible death is something more real to them than it is to me. I fit in more with the group that didn’t know me at the time, because really, I wasn’t quite there either. While everyone feared for my life, I was taking a bit of a nap. When I woke up, I was no longer in danger of death, but in a very confusing state of reality.

..go to the hospital if you want easy access to open house decorations..

Trying to grasp what everyone else was going through at the time has been a struggle over the past five years. It has also played into a very confusing internal battle. Not grasping the seriousness of the crash, myself, the effects of it have seemed completely random. I thought that it sucked that I wasn’t able to walk, but knew in my mind, that physical capabilities were a minor issue in the whole scheme of things. I could have died! But that reality just didn’t matter; I could never grasp it. Because I knew of it, though, I would get so mad at myself for being upset with my lack of abilities. Time and time again I have just chewed myself out for being ungrateful. I really haven’t let myself just feel.. hurt. Instead, I have created a nasty cycle, being angry at myself for feeling hurt and feeling hurt through my anger at myself.

Unfortunately, this cycle has not yet ended. In this past week, though, I have started making the effort to turn it all over to Christ. He will help me to feel my neglected wounds and heal them. I’m not yet sure what these wounds are, but I know that He will heal them.

..not just a shadow of my past life..

On another note, PRAISE GOD for being ALIVE! Yes, there are times that are difficult to move through, but He has brought me so much joy in my life! I could have died that night of June 10, 2007, but I didn’t. I’m still here and have enjoyed countless experiences beyond my imagination. Thanks be to God, yo.