..weak..

i am WEAK. There are times I’m not sure my body is able to even support itself. There are times my mind just shuts down because it is so confused. There are times my emotions are boiling over and I’m not even sure how to feel any of them. There are times I’m too discouraged to bring myself to pray. I am so, so weak – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It has been proven to me over and over and over again.

with dearest Kelsey, always supportive :)

And these instances occur on any ordinary day. At the Bison game just this past Saturday, I left about halfway through the second quarter; it wasn’t even halftime yet! I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hold myself up enough to stand there and watch the game; it was painful to even try sitting to watch the game, mostly (but not exclusively) physically painful. I knew that I needed to leave; I needed to go home and rest my body. However, I had walked to the Fargodome and my house was seven blocks away, seven blocks I did not want to walk back. I figured that I could be stubborn enough to make it, but knew it was stupid and defeating the purpose of my reason for leaving in the first place. My solution: punch myself in the face with humility and call my roommate for a ride. There was an extended issue because my phone was dead, but it all worked out and dearest Kelsey picked me up and took me home. {Thanks, Kels!}

I could point out countless instances showing just how much of a wimp I am. But for the past five years, people have only been telling me how strong I am. What are they thinking? STRONG? Far from it! People try to justify their claim by pointing out all of the times I’ve “pushed through, determined.” But what about all of those times I didn’t push through? What about all of those times I quit, all of those times I just wasn’t determined enough? They say I’m strong, but I know I’m weak. However, (and I’ve touched on this before in a previous blog), I have also come to realize that they do have a point. There has certainly been someone strong pushing through all of this. It’s not me, though; it’s God. This is one of those ‘one set of footprints in the sand’ kinds of stories. God hasn’t just been with me; He has been carrying me. There is no other way I could have gotten to this happiness I feel today, or to the physical capacity I have, or even out of the car alive in the first place. Thanks be to God! He is so strong; I am not. He has been making me look good, making me look strong. But I should be using His Graces to make Him look good, make Him look strong! Well, not make Him look good and strong; He is Goodness and Strength! I could never do Him justice, but I also know I’m not doing all that I could to glorify Him. I want to, though. And I know darn well that He can be glorified through my weakness. It is then that His strength is so apparent. And people have seen it; they’re just attributing it to the wrong being. Any of my perceived strengths cannot be attributed to me or to anyone else but God.

“’My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness’ … for when I am weak, then I am strong.” --2 Corinthians 12:9-10

God's Love.. it's everywhere. Feel it.

I know that He can use my weakness, but that doesn't mean I know how. Fortunately for me, I don’t need to know how. None of us need to know how God is going to use us; we just need to let Him. Use me, Jesus! Please! I've mentioned this happiness that I have; this happiness is felt most fully when I am being open to God’s work and vulnerable to Him. Sometimes it’s really hard, but it has never not been worth it. In fact, in the more difficult times, it is even more worth it. Knowing this, it blows my mind that I’m not always running to Him for everything. I am much more so than before, but still have a lot of growing room. Choosing to serve God isn’t a choice we make one day, it is a choice we must continually promise, continue to strive for. God is so good to us and He wants to do so much more for us. Again, we just need to let Him love us. He doesn't force His Love upon us; otherwise, it wouldn't be Love. So, let’s let Him take care of us; let’s let Him love us!