Blinded by the Baboon

Three weeks in Uganda has given me a lot to reflect on. I could go on and on about my encounters, but there is one particular moment on my heart. It was so simple, but it keeps coming back, shaping how I perceive and how I trust.

(Photo Credit: Austin Kleman)

After some amazing experiences on mission, giving of ourselves in many new and unexpected ways, we were blessed with a couple days to rest in the Goodness of God’s Beauty. Of course, without receiving, we can give nothing. So this is where my story begins: our second day in Murchison Falls National Park. It was before sunrise, and we loaded on to our all-too-familiar bus: SAFARI TIME! As we drove through the park, we came up close to both the majestic (elephants!) and the awkward (oh, Jackson..) creatures of Uganda.

We repeatedly heard that it was rare to see lions and leopards, so we were on a mission to find them. Well, if you know me and how aware I am of my surroundings, you probably know that I am quite incapable of any sort of lookout task. I did tell God that it would be a great blessing to see them, but I was quite occupied and content reflecting on how I related to the hartebeests. I happened to glance at a tree at one point, and I saw the silhouette of a baboon hanging out, so I said, “Oh, a monkey!” and turned away, excited to receive whatever came up next.

(Photo Credit: Yodiel Cruz)

Suddenly, our tour guide directed our bus driver to stop and put the bus in reverse. My monkey was NOT a baboon. It was a leopard. Oops! Even after it was pointed out to me, it was hard for me to make out the difference. Someone generously offered me binoculars, but I declined. Because it was not outright clear, it did not seem like what I needed to see. I looked out my window facing the opposite direction and gazed upon the amazing giraffes that were so close.

Not feeling open to the blessing I had asked God for and received, I eventually turned back to look out at the leopard. As I was watching, it began to move. Though still a silhouette under the shade of the tree, its shape became defined. My excitement grew with each movement it made; it was so beautiful! AND THEN it came down from the tree and into the light of the sun that had just risen. Full visibility. Full color. Epic. Strong. Gorgeous.

(Photo Credit: Yodiel Cruz)

I spent the entirety of the rest of the day reflecting on that moment, how it pointed to my spiritual blindness and lack of trust. How many things had God shown me, but I did not recognize? How many things had He told me, but I did not believe? I was reminded that Faith is believing in that which is not seen. Looking back and recognizing where the “Leopard Moment” has already played out in my life has helped me to find hope in my current struggles.

For as long as I can remember, I have desired marriage and family. God has known my desires, and I have shared them with Him. As I had asked to see a leopard, I also had asked for marriage. I had noticed, though, that my pain limited me. Sustained injuries after the car crash left me unable to support even myself; how was I to be able to get through pregnancy or take care of children? God was showing me that I would need to be healed in order for my desires to be fulfilled, but I saw a monkey. Instead of anticipating what I had asked for, I thought, “Oh, then maybe I am called to religious life.” As I had gazed upon the giraffes, I again looked the other way.

Oh, and we did see lions as well! (Photo Credit: Yodiel Cruz)

This discernment went on for some time, but I am grateful, as it led me to further explore my desires. At the end of the period, my desires for marriage and family had increased; I felt convicted. It was impossible for me to comprehend, for my pain had not gone anywhere, but I chose to trust. God told me that He desired for me to be healed, to pursue marriage and family. Like I stared at the silhouette of what was supposedly a leopard, I stared into an undefined hope that God would fulfill His promise. And, similarly, if I had not been looking, I would not have noticed Him moving.

He continuously confirmed desires on my heart, conforming them to His own. As I looked to Him, He revealed Himself to me. Through His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Most Holy Eucharist, He healed me. In His Light, in His Glory, His promise became visible. He made me physically able to pursue the vocation of marriage and family. It has been three years since He healed my back. I am not married, engaged, or even dating. But that is not the point! Through my healing He has revealed so much to me about my identity in Him and the mission to which He has called me. It is all so much bigger than my desire for marriage, but that is the way through which He opened my eyes, because that is what I was looking for.

Yes, my desire remains, but I do not fear that it will go unanswered, for He has shown me His Faithfulness. He has shown me that He does not just give what is asked for, but that which we need, that which we would mean to ask for had we known for what to ask.

Bring your desires to Him. You do not have to look for them yourself; He will show you. When He shows you, do not look away. Fix your gaze upon Him. He will reveal Himself to you. He will give you more than you could ever ask for.