The Guy Who Broke My Heart.

Yesterday I was in St. Paul, Minnesota. My nephew had an appointment so I went along to help out with him and his sisters. As we were leaving the hospital and walking through the parking structure, I saw a young guy (high school, maybe?) in a wheelchair. I don’t know why or what or for how long. But I know that he was not meant to be confined to a chair. And by the look on his face, I think he knew that, too.

He looked so defeated, running empty on hope. I gave him a little closed-smile back, trying to communicate to him that it’s okay, that it might suck now but it gets better, that he is a person and he has not been forgotten, that he has a life worth living, that nothing can inhibit him from doing what he is meant to do. Not sure if he caught all that, but I pray it all comes to him when he needs it.

As soon as I got past him I started crying. My heart broke for him and for all who suffer (in whatever way that might be). I cannot say that I understand what he is going through, but I do understand hopelessness. I know what it’s like to be limited and not understand why. I am familiar with the feeling of guilt for wanting more and the anxiety of not knowing if it will ever get better. I understand not being understood. I know what it’s like to feel like you are burdening everyone around you with your existence. I know the fear of being defined by what has happened to you rather than who you really are.

When I looked at him, I saw myself. I saw 16-year-old Mikayla sitting in a wheelchair, pained and confused. It brought me to face many of the emotional wounds I still carry from those first couple of months after the crash. And it hurt. I am well aware that I was only in a wheelchair for two months, super aware that it could have been so much worse. Trust me; I was aware even in the midst of it (hence, the guilt). I just want to share one experience with you … 

Because I was stuck in the house all day every day, my mom and sister wanted to treat me and take me out for an afternoon. We made a trip to the mall and I was so relieved to get out of the house, but so embarrassed that so many people were staring at me. I don’t blame them; I would have wanted to take a look at the person who survived the tragedy on the news, too. We went into one of the stores and the racks were fairly close together and didn’t leave a lot of room for me, so I was just wheeling around trying to stay out of the way. Apparently I did not do a very good job. A woman was trying to pass through where I was, but looked down at me, made an expression of disgust and annoyance, and turned around to go the other way.

To this woman, I was just an obstacle, a burden. I was left there feeling so worthless. This was just one moment of my brief experience. I do not share this for you to take pity on me or become angry at this woman who had no intention to hurt me. I share it because I want us all, myself included, to remember that we must show love at all times to all people. This incident occurred in a split-second with a stranger who probably never thought twice about it, but it was so powerful that it brought me to tears today, almost eight years later.

I’m not going to give you a list of what to say and what not to say; there is no list. Just treat every person you encounter as a person. Everyone is enduring some level of suffering, whether you can see it or not. Rather than further inflicting wounds, treat people with love so that they are able to heal.

Photo by KX News of Minot

Next Wednesday (June 10^th) marks 8 years since the car crash. I went through a period of great suffering, but my life is AMAZING! I have so much peace and so much joy. And this has been amplified since I was healed two years ago. Through all He shows me, I feel so Loved by the Lord. It was in the midst of suffering that I came to know His Love for me. And I delight in knowing that He pursues each and every person in this world. He desires for us all to be made well. And He wants to work through each one of us, so allow Him to be the Love you show others.

No worries; I tried to make the most out of my time being crippled.