I Shall Not Die.

..I have a history of resisting being awake..

What a morning. I did not want to wake up this morning. In fact, getting out of bed was the last thing I wanted to do this morning. I’ve been sick the past two weeks and so the opportunity to sleep was wonderful. But I needed to wake up this morning. My snooze was going for a very long time; I was even dreaming that I would wake up, look at the time on my phone, decide it was too late to get up and go to Mass, and then fall back asleep. Eventually, I did get out of bed. And it wasn't too late to go to Mass, so I went. 

But I went to St. John the Apostle, a church I don’t think I’ve stepped inside since I attended a funeral during high school. Unfamiliar with how things went there, I was a little hesitant as I walked towards the front to sit on the left side; other than a few people towards the back, everyone was on the right side. As I knelt down and apologized to God for not wanting to be there, others joined me up on the left side. Then, it was time for Mass to begin!

I was expecting the parish priest, Father Dave Zimmer, to be there. But who would walk in instead, but Monsignor Joseph Senger? (Once you get past the tongue twister, it gets serious.) As he walked up, a couple tears began to involuntarily leak out of my eyes. Five years ago, I received the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.. from Msgr. Senger. And I’ve only seen him a handful of times since then ... thus, the involuntary tears. I quickly wiped them away and assumed I’d fair out the rest of Mass just fine. But the first reading came up pretty fast: Isaiah 38: 1-6, 21-22, 7-8.

Isaiah 38: Hezekiah's Illness

The first five words of the reading: “When Hezekiah was mortally ill”

Me: (Weird that Msgr. Senger is the one saying Mass when this is the reading. Wait, God... Situation: not weird.)

Reading: “…For you are about to die; you shall not recover...”

Me: (Weird. That’s what they told me. Well, that’s what I’ve been told they told me. When they told me initially, I was.. dying. Didn’t quite catch that in the coma.)

...The tears started coming again...

Reading: “…And Hezekiah wept bitterly...”

Me: (Okay, God, funny. Yes, I’m listening.)

Reading: “…I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.”

Me: (Yup. Got that. Thank You.)

Reading: “I will heal you…”

Me: (Hey, Monsignor.. God, does he recognize me? Is he catching this connection, too? Maybe the outpouring of liquid descending from my eyeballs will give him a hint? Also, glad I didn’t wear makeup this morning.)

Reading: “…I will add fifteen years to your life…”

Me: (Only ten left?! I’ll be 31! Wait, calm down.. this is Hezekiah’s situation.)

…So, the reading blew me away…

And then the responsorial psalm jumped in: Isaiah 38: 10, 11, 12abcd, 16

The response (see 17b): “You saved my life, O Lord; I shall not die.”

Me: (Seriously? Oh, boy. Glad there’s a giant mirror to my left, just in case the people behind me couldn’t already tell that I’m crying. And I don’t think I’ll be stopping any time soon. Thanks, God, for saving my life, and stuff. Again, does Monsignor recognize me? This is great; I think he’d love it.)

…emotionally wrecked…

"You saved my life, O Lord; I shall not die."

So, then I was thinking a lot about healing and such. And about how I’ve been trying to be open to that lately. As it has recently been brought to my attention that I haven’t been letting God heal me, I’ve been working on it. I’ve been praying that He open my heart to receiving His Love in this way. Chronic pain is what I’ve known for the past five years and the thought of Him not wanting that is still a relatively new concept and a hard one for me to grasp. God brings good out of suffering, but suffering is not good in itself. He is allowing the pain, but I know that He could take it away. But, if He’s going to, He’s going to wait until I’m ready for it. I’m still praying that my will be formed to His, but I’d say that Mass this morning was a big step in the right direction.

And throughout the rest of Mass, my eyes remained mostly dry, but then I received Jesus in the Eucharist. I couldn’t even look up to respond “And with your spirit” and “Thanks be to God” at the end of Mass; I was a mess. And I was not about ready to leave. But then, surprise: an hour of Adoration after Mass! Just what I needed. J

If you ever really don't want to do something that's a really good thing, it's probably because Jesus is about to rock your world and the devil is trying to prevent it. Don't let him discourage you; let Jesus rock your world.