Whole Livelihood.

Sunday morning’s gospel reading was about the poor widow who put two coins in the treasury. [Mark 12:38-44] I had been doing Lectio Divina (Divine Reading) on this reading Friday night with NDSU Student Missionaries at our monthly “Mountain” event. During the meditation I was picking out different words that stuck out to me: devour, lengthy, all. I was underlining, boxing, and jotting down notes around the text, but it felt forced; I wasn’t feeling open to the Holy Spirit, didn’t feel I was giving God the chance to really tell me what He had to say. Kelsey read the reading out loud one last time and I forced myself to just sit there. I started to zone out, but then, I heard those last two words and the Holy Spirit did His thing. Those last two words – whole livelihood – really struck me. I jotted down “only some” to point out my lack of fulfilling what this poor widow did. But the bigger point I jotted down was this: “what is my life?” What makes up this livelihood I should be giving of wholly? This livelihood is my identity as a daughter of God. This wasn’t something I was convicted of until this past summer, but it has seriously transformed my life and I’m quite happy about it! 

With friends on campus, it is starting to get around that I have “an amazing testimony.” Recently, while sharing with one of said friends, he asked me why I don’t share it more. And, well, I have been asking myself this same question over this past year. I have always had a strong desire to just spill out all of my feelings and experiences, to let people know who I really am, but have stopped myself much more than let myself. This mostly goes back to the fact that I haven’t been sure who/what I’ve been supposed to be sharing. Yes, I discovered that my identity lies in Christ, but that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, that I understand everything about myself. It’s an ongoing process and I’m just learning to trust Him with my life and let Him into my heart so He can show me how He loves me and what He asks of me. The more I am learning about myself, the more I am able to give of myself. And the more I give of myself, the more complete I feel.

I know darn right that I have not been giving all of myself. There are still so many times when I hold back, but I’m trying! One of the ways I have felt able to give is through the sharing of my experiences with others, sharing how God has transformed my life from despair and confusion to joy and peace. But, as my friend pointed out, I clearly have not been open enough. Why? If I’ve found that sharing of myself makes me feel more complete and like I’m following the Lord, why don’t I just do it? Well, one of the reasons I have been hesitant is that I have also been asking myself this question: “Why share? Is your story really something other people are going to care about?” Making the assumption that my story isn’t that big of a deal is really undermining the power of God and His ability to work through my life to touch others, but it’s still hanging over my head all of the time.

Another reason I’ve held back is that I’m afraid to scare people off. Sounds stupid, but my story throws people off sometimes and they aren’t sure how to respond. For example, about 3 ½ years ago, I was in a small group of incoming freshmen and we played that “scar stories” activity, where you explain how you got one of your scars. When it got around the circle to me, I shared that I had a gash on the back of my head from the door lock of my car. They thought I meant I hit my head when I was little and were confused when I clarified that I had been 16 at the time. Then I had to clarify that it happened when I had gotten t-boned by another car and the mood suddenly died. The leader in charge of our group said something along the lines of, “Oooh, that’s not funny..” Not realizing my life was against the rules of the game, or that the game was even supposed to be funny, I tried to defend myself and explained: “No, it’s okay; I don’t even remember it. That part wasn’t even a big deal; I thought it was funny..?” I can’t remember what happened after that but it was super awkward. Needless to say, the next time I got wrapped up in that game I told everyone about the time I scarred my elbow because I was riding a bike down a gravel road and it tipped over. Sharing moments in my life that were actually really intense became off-limits and that concept has stuck with me over the years. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m comfortable sharing, but I’m afraid of making others feel uncomfortable.

I’m sure I could come up with many more reasons that are holding me back, but they are irrelevant; regardless of the reason, I need to overcome it. I know that when I ask God to give me opportunities to share our story, He does. And, with His grace, I have become a lot better at responding to these opportunities. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life. And I think it’s safe to say that goes for all of us. Don’t stop trying to follow God’s call. And don’t be afraid to share how He is working in your life. Maybe you’re like me and you will share a little bit of the grace, but you’ll leave out the part where you were struggling and needed Him to pull you up. Don’t do that. Share it all! We all have an amazing story because God is a part of it; don’t be afraid of that. And feel free to hold me accountable as well. Three people have approached me now to hear my story and never once did I think it was awkward someone was asking to hear about my life. I loved it every single time! Yes, I post a lot of it on this blog, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to you in person. And it doesn’t mean I have nothing more to share. Actually, having discussions with people has helped me to formulate some of these thoughts in the first place. In fact, I love questions; most of the time I just don’t know what people want to know. That goes for blog topics, too; if you’re itching to hear about something, hit me up. Oh, and don't forget that I want to hear your story as well! [..That awkward moment when Mikayla goes on a rant in her blog about wanting to talk to people..]