Let Him Love.

“Mikayla, just let God love you.” … “Jesus loves you so much, Mikayla; let Him show you that.”

Several of my wonderful friends have been telling me things like this lately, but I never quite knew how to respond. I believed them, sure, but I didn’t understand what action they were expecting me to perform. God already loved me, so how was I supposed to “let” Him do so? It wasn’t like I could make Him stop loving me. But they were right; I knew God loved me, but I wouldn’t feel His Love. Feeling unworthy, I tried to gain His Love, though. I tried to return His Love so that I could maybe become worthy enough to feel the Love God was bestowing upon me regardless.

..loving through service..

A while ago, I came to the realization that we can’t return the Father’s infinite love due to our finite and fallen nature. But what we can do is love one another and that is how we show our love for God. So with this, I figured that if I loved people to the best of my human capabilities that I would be able to, in turn, show God that I loved Him and then be able to receive His Love as a worthy recipient. Over the years, my love for God and my love for others have increased. But I was still never feeling worthy enough to accept God’s Love. Then, when my friends said things like this, I knew I was doing it wrong, knew that there had to be a different way to feel God’s Love. An easier way. An attainable way. I could never feel worthy of His Love, because I will never be worthy of His Love. None of us can ever be worthy of His Love; we are all fallen. But God loves us regardless. We are His and He desires us to come into full communion with Him. We need only to let Him love us. And it is actually as simple as letting Him, not a complicated series of actions and requirements.

This past week I have been in Orlando, Florida, for SEEK2013, our national FOCUS conference. Nothing like hanging out with 6,000 college students on fire for the faith and being surrounded by priests, religious, and highly influential speakers! For Saturday morning Mass, on the feast of Saint John Neumann, we had the privilege of being joined by Bishop John Noonan. In his homily, he quoted a priest friend of his and said this:

“Stop trying to love God. Just let Him love you.”

And I was like, “Okay.” And, in that moment, I just surrendered myself over to the Father; I was so desperate to feel His Love and dropped all of my guards keeping Him out. I let Him love me. And, oh boy, did He love me!

a visual as to why I "shouldn't be alive"

I can’t describe the feeling or explain the sudden change, but it was awesome. I was overtaken with a strong sense of peace. The Father’s Love just filled every ounce of me; I instantly started bawling. Those tears were the most joyful tears I have ever cried. And they wouldn’t stop! I had two waterfalls streaming down my face during the entire remainder of the Mass. Oh, it was so great. It was no longer just something that I knew in my head; I could feel in my heart that God loves me so immensely, that He loves all of us. I was just blown away by my life! I am a Catholic missionary now; it is so beautiful to have this opportunity to share this Love of God with others full-time. And it is the Father’s Love that has gotten me here in the first place. Medically speaking, I shouldn’t even be alive right now! But I am more alive than I ever have been. God has blessed me so much and, during Mass, it was as if I was discovering all of this reality for the very first time.

The peace and joy I was experiencing was amazing. But my cross could not be abandoned. All the while, my back was aching in pain; I was struggling to physically support myself. But the more painful it was, the happier I became. I have been given a share in the sufferings of Christ. My pain can be offered up for others for the sake of their souls. What a beautiful thing! And, I’ve said it before, but pain is just a reminder of the true and beautiful gift life is. When I feel pain, I am reminded of where I have been. Although I can’t do all that I would desire to, I am so blessed by what I am able to do. And as my pain intensifies, I am brought back to former instances of pain, instances that were much more painful in a different sense. In those days, I felt held back. Now I know that I am free to do anything God has planned for me and that anything else doesn’t matter.

The tears just kept on flowing. But I was still in pain. And a lot of it. I continued to break out in tears throughout the rest of the day, but typically when someone would ask if I was okay [feeling loved does that to me]. I was hurting and it seemed to be apparent. When people expressed their concern I had to assure them that I was indeed happy. When tears did start coming, it was more difficult and I didn’t even know how to explain where they were coming from. It didn’t make sense for them to come from the pain, so I figured it was a mix of that and the associated feelings that came along with it: how beautiful it was I was able to experience the pain, feeling the Love of the Father (from Him directly and through others as well), and recognizing the transformation of my life throughout all of the instances where my back has reached intense levels of pain. I couldn’t pinpoint any of this, though; it was just all of it at once. But I was still happy. Very happy.

A) Minot- hometown
B) Fargo- NDSU
C) Vermillion- USD

Most who asked me thought I must be overwhelmed by the amount of people at conference or by the reality that I am leaving everything I know in North Dakota to cross the border south down to Vermillion. Thankfully, this new transition has given me no anxieties and I was pleased to be able to clear that up. I am so excited for this new change, for this next step in the journey of life God has planned for me. He has it all figured out; He knows how it’s all going down. And He has my best interests in mind. He knows my desires and He knows my needs. And He wants to fulfill them. Because He loves me.  And He loves you. And He wants us all to live with Him in Happiness. I encourage you to let His Love transform your life. Just open up your heart and He will take care of the rest. It isn’t anything complicated, but it can be hard to resist that urge to shut Him out.