Let Him.

[[Although not necessary, if you haven't read my last post, it might be helpful to understand where I last left off with my take on suffering: A New Healing for an Old Wound]]

2009: Hermitage of Saint Francis of Assisi

June 10, 2009 marked the two-year anniversary of the crash. It was also the day I got on a plane to Rome, Italy with other recent high school grads for a pilgrimage. Of course still struggling with chronic back pain, the intense amount of walking and bag carrying was rough on me. One day, while in Assisi, we had plans to walk up the mountain to the hermitage of Saint Francis. Walking up a mountain in Italy appeared to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one that I did not want to pass up. However, I had to. Before the trip, my mom had talked to the priest to ensure he knew my circumstances. He told me it would be best that I ride up the mountain in a van with some others. I tried my hardest to persuade him otherwise, but he stuck to it and in the van I went. I was upset; I was convinced I would never have an opportunity like this again.

As it turned out, I had another opportunity just a couple days later. Although in even more pain than the last time, I pleaded even harder to be able to go up. Still, I could not; but this time, I was bitter. I was sick of being held back by my limitations and I was also irritated that there were so many who voluntarily chose to not walk up either of the mountains. As we, the non-walkers, headed to our alternative route of transportation, I kept getting called after to stop and slow down because I had angrily taken off ahead of the group trying to prove something, but I was also getting away to cry because I was so upset. When we got to the top we reunited with the group; I kept myself hidden away so that people didn’t see that I was crying. I was still upset, but I was also in a lot of pain.

Later, someone talked to me about offering pain up for the first time in my life. I was confused but very interested so I nodded along as he talked and I took some mental notes. This was a very pivotal moment for me in the area of suffering and my perception of it. Another particular life-changing moment occurred on the trip, but I did not even recognize it at the time. We had Mass in Rome in the room that Saint Ignatius of Loyola had died in. When writing it down in my journal I could not even remember his name, but we became very close friends a couple years later. Once our friendship began, I was sad that I had taken for granted attending Mass in my best friend’s old room. It was another experience added to my list of never having the opportunity to experience again. I wasn’t for sure I’d ever even make it back to Europe, let alone Rome and Assisi. And even if I did, these opportunities would have been highly unlikely.

Well, last week I did make it back to Europe on pilgrimage, to Rome and Italy precisely. In various conversations throughout the week, it was coming out that I had a great love for Nate (Saint Ignatius) and, also, that I was dealing with chronic back pain. We had arrived in Rome on Tuesday and, by Friday, my body was really struggling. Instead of walking at the front of the pack I was straggling in the back, out of sight so that no one could see me. A puddle formed on the top of the kneeler as I knelt in front of a 6 ½-year-old girl’s tomb and sobbed. Antonietta, Servant of God, embraced suffering so beautifully at such a young age. I reflected on the beauty of my suffering and once again received assurance from God that He would heal me.

The next day, I woke up even more joyful than usual; we were headed towards the Gesu. Not originally part of the schedule, we were having Mass in the room Saint Ignatius died in! I was beyond thrilled upon finding this out; God really knows how to show me He loves me, but it was also humbling to acknowledge how wrong I had been in doubting God with the possibility. I had been looking forward to hanging out at my boy’s place all week and the experience sure did not fail to be amazing. Mass was beautiful and, although I came into the room almost last, I somehow ended up with the best spot, directly in front of the altar.

Room in which Saint Ignatius of Loyola died

After receiving Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, I went back to my spot and knelt down, giving thanks to God for His great Goodness. Suddenly, I realized that my back did not hurt. Yeah, you read that right. After six years of chronic pain and it being extra sore from all of the recent traveling and exploring, my back suddenly felt amazing. Naturally, I started crying. There had been many times before that I had received the Eucharist and wondered if that would be the moment Jesus would heal me. But that day, I wasn’t thinking about it. But it did happen. I didn’t know if it was just for the moment, day, week, or forever, but I knew it was miraculous. And that I liked it. But it gets better. Later that afternoon, we made our way to good ol’ Assisi.

After venturing around Rome, sitting on the train for a couple hours, and carrying my luggage up steep hills, my back was still feeling great. The next day our plan was to make the 3-mile trek up that same mountain I wasn’t allowed to hike four years before. It seemed to be a pretty epic test of the healing. And, well, the miracle passed the test. I made it up and down feeling better than I would have crossing a street the week before. Praise the Lord! And I am still just feeling marvelous! Thank you all for your prayers along the way; they are much appreciated. Please pray for continued strength. And thank you for sharing with me in the joy of this great miracle of God. He is Amazing!!

With my fellow pilgrims after hiking the mountain up and down

I just want to emphasize that we have all the reason to trust God. During this pilgrimage, some truths stuck out to me that I feel compelled to share. They have been more deeply strengthened in me and I pray that they are in you as well after hearing my story: God is all-powerful; God knows us intimately; and God desires our happiness and leads us to it. My story doesn’t have to appear out-of-the-ordinary, because it isn’t. God wants to heal you where you are in need of healing, whether that be physically, spiritually, emotionally, or all of the above. And He wants to do it in a way that fascinates you and leads you deeper in relationship with Him. Let Him. Share with Him your desires. And surrender them to Him. He Loves you. So much. Let Him.