Delighting in Freedom.

Healing. My back made well. What a gift Jesus has given me.  And what freedom it has led to. What joy! The first six years following the crash just seem unreal. I have such vivid memories, but could it really be possible that I was not able to walk? Could it really be possible that brushing my hair was too strenuous a task? Could it really be possible that rolling onto my side became one of my greatest physical achievements over a span of weeks?

It was a miracle to get past this early stage, but even the time beyond that is hard to imagine. Did I really fear collapsing as I walked to my classes around campus with my backpack, the convenience of bringing my laptop along with me hardly even a consideration? Did I really always find open wall space or columns to lean up against because I found myself unable to continue supporting myself? Did I really lay down flat with my knees up fighting tears every time I returned home from participating in more vigorous physical activities like volleyball or dancing?

So much pain. So much fear. All the time. I was trapped. I could not even dream of life being different. My memories of years of athletics faded into illusions. The thought of running around carelessly crumbled to a myth. And I was convinced that nothing would ever change. I would always be in pain. For several years I even welcomed the pain. It became a part of me. Even more than that, I saw it as my purpose. It became all of me. To suffer for others. To justify my own existence. Pain was my purpose.

When introduced to me that Jesus desired my healing, it took a long time for my heart to open up to the concept. Why would He want that? What could He do with me? How would I know how to live without the pain? Who would I become? Jesus wanted my healing because HE LOVES ME and desires for me to be whole. With my healing, He could INSPIRE OTHERS to also cling to Him and MAKE ME CAPABLE TO DO THAT WHICH HE HAS CALLED ME TO. Living without pain is how I was MEANT TO LIVE; it is not something unnatural to decipher. I WOULD BECOME THE PERSON I WAS MEANT TO BE.

Jesus’ miracle has transformed my life. It has enabled me to actually live my life. And I am so appreciative of the time I suffered because it makes me that much more grateful for the gift I now have. I have so much freedom; it is so beautiful. Last night I was playing basketball and volleyball at the rec center on campus; such a blast! Granted, playing basketball for me pretty much consists of running around aimlessly yelling gibberish, but it was a good time. Volleyball I am more comfortable with and, my favorite part: diving! If you have ever played with me, you probably know that I spend more time on the floor than not (and not just because I fall more frequently than the average human, although that also is a factor). Even when I was experiencing chronic pain, I would go for it. (Really, I do not understand how the sport can be played differently.) And I love it! But I cannot describe how different the experience is now! When I would play in college, I did so anticipating that very simple motions (sitting, walking, lying down, etc.) would become excruciatingly painful for the following week or so. I did so with the fear that I would mess my body up even more and be confined to a wheelchair or other assistive device. I did so with paranoia that someone would come forward and hold me back from participating.

But last night, I was free. I could dive. I could roll. I could skin my knees up and bruise my elbows. And I was not afraid. There was no hesitation. There was no cringing in pain. And when I got up this morning, I was able to move freely. Yes, my elbows and knees are a bit tender, but that’s not prohibiting and it just highlights that I was able to do something active. (And, fun fact: I played on a co-ed young adult intramural SOCCER TEAM last fall! How amazing that experience was!)

This new freedom is just so delightful. This is the freedom that Jesus has desired for me all along. It is the freedom that He desires for you. How silly it is that for years I feared this beautiful reality I now experience. How absurd that I was so content in my misery. I was reflecting on this transformation this morning and the Gospel reading appropriately fit in perfectly.

Mark 1:40-45. You may have read my blog post from three years ago (whoa) that referenced this particular passage; but oh, how much things have changed! Three years ago, I was stuck on the leper’s words, “If you wish, you can make me clean.” In my own life, I had prayed to God that He would not heal me, but gave Him permission to if He wanted to. (And thought that I was saying the same thing as this leper; not quite.) In the mentioned post, I wrote: “I knew that He could heal part of my back through the procedure, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted Him to. However, I was more concerned with what He wanted than what I wanted. If He wished, He could make me clean. If it was His Will, He would heal that part of my back. I went through with the surgery, knowing that He could also make it not work. It all depended on His Will, not mine. I did nothing to prevent the success of the procedure, but was not upset when I felt no different after my time in recovery. I felt that it was God’s Will that my pain remained with me.” (full post here)

Then, less than two years ago, when talking to a priest about how I did not desire to be healed, he brought up this same passage. He said those words of the leper and it struck a very familiar chord in my heart. But then, he added on Jesus’ response. (Felt really awkward for not having thought of listening to those words before.) Jesus’ response: “I do will it. Be made clean.” Ohhhhhh! #facepalm Seriously, so awkward, Mikayla. Those words were there the whole time! And I even read them! But I just did not hear them! And I had been told before, but it finally clicked that Jesus desired, and always desires, for me to be healed. (And same goes for you!) ((Also, thank you, Father Scott!))

And there’s more. When I first prayed with the passage, I was very struck that “he (the leper) began to publicize the whole matter” and “people kept coming to Him (Jesus) from everywhere.” At the time, I knew I had experienced a miracle in being alive and that I was supposed to be sharing it, but wasn’t really doing so, but desired to, even though I didn’t want to, but I wanted people to be brought to Christ, and if that’s how He wanted to do it, then I wanted to participate… and such. Which was true; I was supposed to be sharing. But what I did not grasp at the time was how much more my sharing could lead people to Christ if I would actually allow Him to heal me. #facepalmroundtwo Yes, I had experienced a miracle, but in some regards, I was still the leper. Lepers were outcast from society. If this leper hadn’t been healed, no one would have gotten near him, and certainly would not have been brought to Christ through his story. But there I was, telling Jesus not to heal me, begging Him to let me remain in my leprosy. What kind of story is that? Doesn’t even make sense.

But, praise God, He has brought me out of that confusion and far from those misconceptions. In His perfect timing and patience, He freed me from lies and fears and led me to desire the healing for myself, the desire He held all along. He led me to trust that He did indeed desire it and that He would act upon it if I only asked. And I asked. And He responded. And I have been healed. And now I am free. Allow Him to release you from whatever suffering you are enslaved by, whether it be physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, etc. Yes, we are called to pick up our cross and follow Him, but any suffering we undergo should be in His Name, not our own. Be free. Be made well.

last summer: first 5K run

..delighting in freedom..