SURVIVOR

There is a restlessness. Untended wounds and discarded memories. No longer blood and no longer tears, just a numbness all over. Scars on my body, my heart, and my mind. Avoided and ignored, but so visible. When I see the marks, I feel so disconnected. I do not remember acquiring the scars. I do not know the source of my agitation. I am not at all upset about what happened to me; I just feel stuck in a confusion about not knowing what happened to me. I long to understand, but I fear nothing can be understood. Even the parts I do remember, I cannot grasp; how could such events have taken place in my own life? How could I be a survivor?

My life is so filled with Joy and Peace, but these scars lie on the surface. Jesus points to them, but I cannot get myself to look. A huge part of me desires to look. I am not afraid of what I will see, but of what I will not see. I desire answers, so I am afraid to ask the questions. I hold onto them because I am afraid of letting go of the hope that they could be answered. I need to let go. I have been trying to let go for nine years. I am so grateful for the Lord’s gentleness and patience. He has never echoed the demands I have put on myself to “get over it.” Rather, He joins me in going through it. We have been through a lot together, and no matter how difficult the journeys have been, they have always brought forth so much Goodness.

No room left for me...

The only reason I get myself to share any of this, is because I know that I am not the only one. I am not the only survivor. We have all survived something, and we cannot put measurements on how important or unimportant those things are. That mentality hinders healing. When I tell myself that the crash “wasn’t that big of a deal; I’m fine,” I do not allow myself to endure the pain before me. We all have a cross to carry, but that entails that we actually carry it. If we just remain in one place, the wood will weigh us down and burden us, and yet we will not have reached our destination. Acknowledge your cross, and invite Jesus to carry it with you. He will lead the way and bear much of the weight; just follow Him. I say this to you, as well as to myself. You are not alone, as I am not alone. He is always with us, but He brings us together as well. Thank you for walking with me.