Risking the Heart

I have lately been pondering that I must be the most weak and fearful person in existence—and it was finally something in which I could find delight. I am so in need, but God comes to meet me—He is my strength, and I desire it to be no other way.

For so much of my life, I have been afraid of my weaknesses—fearful to be limited by them—and paranoid of their exposure. I felt very deeply, and my emotions posed as a risk. They filled me with pain, and I thought it made me weak to show my hurt. I began to hide my feelings from others, and eventually from my own self.

I became numb. I clung to lies, and I trusted no one. I believed myself incapable of being loved, and affirmations agitated my spirit. God placed more and more people in my life who challenged my perceptions through loving me. Love conquers all, and God was able to again pierce my heart.

These past several years, I have been learning to feel again—learning to love and be loved. God has been showing me my heart. It is very broken, and all of the repressed pain can be tormenting, but once it is felt, it is released, and I am free.

I still often hesitate to feel and fail to express—resist to be known. I struggle to recognize the validity of my heart—that I am more than just a body—that God intended for me to be loved for all that I am—and to give love with all that I am.

When trying to accept my soul, I sometimes get confused and reject the goodness of my body. Instead of hiding emotionally, I hide physically. I might share reflections, but I run from encounters—I fear to be looked at. I know the truth, and I believe the truth, but I do not always see or feel the truth.

I do not wish to hold back anything I am meant to offer. I desire to be me—as God intended me to be. I am weak, and I am fearful, but I am loved, and I am good.

"..let no one think that I am a fool; but if you do, then accept me as a fool.."
2 Corinthians 11: 16

Your heart is worth the risk mine takes in being vulnerable. In what ways do you hide? How can you, too, accept your goodness?