Deep Breaths in Polluted Air

A year ago, I was feeling suffocated by the weight of tragedies forming the timeline of my life. To say that I felt hopeless would be an understatement. I felt like a failure, and I thought I had nothing to offer the world but sorrow. (You can read a reflection from that time here: “Shattered Beyond Repair”)

Five months ago, I was again a wreck. I felt guilty for my existence, and also paranoid that it would be taken from me. I did not trust myself, and I was afraid to present myself before anyone else.

Just a couple weeks ago, I was incredibly terrified. I sprinted away from the church after Mass. I sobbed on the sidewalk. I locked myself in my apartment with all the blinds closed. As you might be aware, I absolutely love where I live—but a collection of experiences had built up, and I was tempted to pack up my stuff and move back to North Dakota on the spot.

This morning, I was struck by the awareness of the freedom and joy that overwhelms me. My peace has not come from a lack of trauma, but from allowing myself to be supported and loved through all of these messy circumstances. It is as if the air around me remains polluted, but I am able to take in deep breaths of fresh air.

Vulnerability has been required. The response of others has been necessary. Thank you for allowing the Lord to love me through you—whether it was a prayer, a smile, a hug, hearing out my struggle, not abandoning me in my tears, welcoming me with my weaknesses, unknowingly inspiring me, etc. When we allow the Lord to move, by simply being who we are, even the smallest of actions can be monumental in someone’s life. Do not underestimate what God can do through you. Be His beacon of light in the darkness—His glimmer of hope in the suffering—His gift of joy in the sorrow.

“Two are better than one … For if they fall, one will lift up the other;

but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help.”

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10

Who is God calling you to love today? How can you reach out more intentionally or listen more intently?

Who is God calling you to be loved by today? How can you open yourself up to receive their support?