Protected

I was driving eastbound on I-94 a few weeks ago. The melted winter spraying up from other vehicles made my windshield incredibly dirty, and I was out of wiper fluid—not that it mattered if I had any, for my wiper had also fallen apart. For the sake of safety, I stopped at a gas station to clean my windshield and top off my gas tank with a few gallons.

As I stood at my car, what happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. There was a van pulling another van on a trailer. It tried to make its way between the pumps alongside my vehicle, but the snow complicated steering through the tight fit. I heard an awful crunch as the trailer smashed into my car. I looked up and made eye contact with a woman a few pumps over—her eyes were wide, and her mouth was in a gasp.

I did not know what to do. I was 251 miles into my 586-mile trip—I thought I would be stranded in the middle of Minnesota for an indefinite period of time, and I had deadlines I needed to make. On the other hand, I was grateful I had not been standing there washing the passenger side of my windshield.

The driver of the van came out to assess damage. I put away the squeegee and gas nozzle, and I let him take my keys to move my car. When we went over to check out my passenger side, there was nothing—not even a scratch. I awkwardly exclaimed, “That was pretty cool!”

I drove away so convicted of the Father’s Love for me—not because He spared my car or myself, for He also completely loved me in the times when my car and body had not been spared from destruction and injury. He spoke to my heart through the experience, and in this particular situation, my car was symbolic of my dignity.

My dignity has been attacked in various different ways throughout my life, and it has been made clear that it will continue to be attacked. God has been leading me to trust Him—to understand that, regardless of the attacks, I will be protected—but I have to allow Him to protect me. This often means accepting the protection of those He has placed in my life, and that is where I struggle.

Two problems with this. First, though I have come a long way on this journey, I still struggle to see myself as worthy of protection—I instead perceive that I am a burden to others. Second, my wounds from the past have made it very difficult for me to trust people, namely men (particularly strangers). The past five years have been a journey of healing in these struggles.

A week before the incident at the gas station, I was on a retreat, and my prayer intention was for a release from these particular wounds and fears, so that I may love and receive freely. It was a very healing weekend, and I left assured of God’s Love and promise to protect me from whatever attacks come my way. Watching my car get attacked and not be damaged was a beautiful, dramatic representation of God’s promise, as well as a conviction that I am moving in the right direction. I have recently been making active steps to accept my dignity and allow myself to be protected by others, (which I will likely describe in more detail as it becomes clearer to me).

To be completely honest, I am also still fighting protection. I have had another car incident in the meantime which had me in tears and covered in bruises as I stubbornly fought to take care of myself. Praise God, I will forever be learning and growing.

How does the Lord reveal to you your dignity? Whether the moment is simple or dramatic, God is moving in it. Do you notice how He is working in your every struggle and ease—every failure and success? What happened to you today? What did God teach you in each moment—about you and about Himself? If you did not notice, simply ask Him. Silence your heart, and listen for His response. Practice this frequently. Discipline yourself to become more aware of His Presence throughout your day. If you are not sure what that means or how to do that, ask someone who does, and do not be afraid to try. He always wants to bring you deeper into His Love—to show you who He is, and who you are in relation to Him.