Trust. He Will Fulfill His Promise.

Today marks one year since I desired healing in my back, one year since I desired to be made whole in order to live out the life God has given me. That day was an incredible breakthrough that has led to so much beauty, but, really, it was miserable. I was in so much pain (physically), I could not move. After spending an hour in the morning praying in the chapel, I literally spent all day on a big recliner in the library down the hall at the Newman Center. I just sat there and someone was kind enough to order me lunch from Jimmy John’s and bring it to me. I just could not move; I was in so much pain.

Emotionally, I was experiencing even more pain. I knew that a major trigger of my immense pain was the brief time I had spent the night before holding a baby and trying to comfort him as he cried. Knowing this simple encounter with a small infant could cause so much pain, I was devastated. A year before (two years ago now), I had written this: “Someday, I would really like to get married and start a family. Struggling to physically support myself alone, it has been a fear of mine that pregnancy will land me permanently in a wheelchair or that I will be in too much pain to hold and play with my children. Thankfully, God has intervened with these fears. I now realize that I will be able to do whatever it is He wills me to do. If I am meant to have children, then I will. And He will provide me with the strength to lovingly care for them.”

I still believed this to be true, and by that point, I knew God was indeed calling me to live out the vocation of marriage and family. Getting a glimpse of the reality of just how incapable I was of caring for my children, my heart was crushed. As I prayed with the annunciation (Luke 1:26-38) that morning, I was convicted of the angel’s message to not be afraid. God had a plan. I had already been convicted that He desired my healing; it was my turn to surrender to His will. I desired healing so desperately. All I wanted was to fulfill His calling, to be able to care for my children when that day came. And I knew He could do it, that He would do it; as the angel said, “For nothing will be impossible with God.”

The anxieties didn’t end that day, though. There were several fears that needed to be worked through. And my trust in the Lord needed to be purified. Lies were being thrown at me that it was all in my imagination, that I did not deserve healing, that I was being selfish, etc. But the Lord kept assuring me. He told me that He would heal me, that my back would be able to endure pregnancy and childcare. But He did not tell me how.. or when. As the lies and the fears came rushing in, I had to choose to trust in His promise. This was not easy and it was only capable by His grace. I was still experiencing pain. And I actually had to face my fears, such as the need to seek medical attention, which seemed to be a huge opportunity for doubts to creep in. It was definitely a battle, but over and over again, God assured me. For example …

March 21, 2013: “I trust in You, Jesus; You will heal me. It seems impossible, but all things are possible in You.”

March 27, 2013: “Jesus, cast away my fears. I trust in You. I will be lead to healing, Jesus. You will not lead me astray. I trust that You have a plan.”

March 29, 2013, after praying with Psalm 22: “Jesus, I have been calling for help, calling for healing in my back. Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel so distant as I am calling. But You are there. And my praise belongs to You. You will answer my call, Lord. You have not abandoned me; I have not been left forsaken. Lord, You have done so much for me. I ask for more only because You desire to give me more. I acknowledge my unworthiness and am turned away from running to You, but You Love me, dear Jesus. You are waiting for me. Always. I run to You, Lord. I love You. Thank You for dying for me, Jesus. I love You. I will praise You. Stay with me, Lord.”

I felt so vulnerable, knowing that my reliance was completely on Him and not in anything I could do. The time of trusting in His promise and not experiencing it was difficult. And I didn’t know how long it would take. I knew that it would be perfect even if it did not happen until the day I conceived my first child, but I was afraid. I was afraid, but I chose to trust, to have faith.

And you all know how that went. He responded. He waited until I was ready. And He responded. One particular day in Rome was a test in itself. After several days of traveling and walking around Italy, my back was incredibly sore. I was walking towards the back of the group, clutching my rosary against my lower back, just praying for the ability to take another step forward. I was crying out to the saints to pray for me, to help me trust, to inspire me to embrace suffering joyfully as they did. The Lord again affirmed me that He would heal me, and the next morning, He did. Upon receiving Him in the Eucharist, I was made well. He didn’t stop that day, though. He has not ceased since that day to heal me in all areas of my life so that I am prepared to follow His call.

Such a beautiful year it has been! At times it has been frightening, but the Lord has intervened with His Peace. But He didn’t force it on me; I had to choose it. He is offering you peace. Choose it! We were not meant to live in fear and anxiety. Experience His Joy. Trust Him. And all will be well! He will come through; He will respond. He Loves you. He desires for you to be with Him.

"And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her by the Lord." --Luke 1:45